Blessings in Disguise

If you know me at all - you know I've always wanted to have children - several children. Next to being a wife, being a mom has been the first and foremost thing I've wanted for as long as I can remember. Growing up, my mom babysat & I had TONS of cousins so I was always around children. As soon as I was old enough to babysit-that's how I spent my summers and weekends and I never really stopped until I started my career.

As I went through high school, and even college, my career direction changed a few times but my desire to be a mother never wavered and always went above anything else.
Fortunate enough for me, I met my Prince Charming who also loved kids - that was one of the most attractive things about Lucas when I met him - watching him interact with his niece. When we were dating, we both talked openly about our desire to be parents and what we would want for our children. We talked about what kind of parents we wanted to be, what we wanted to do with our children, what we hoped our children would be interested in and even talked about what we might want to name them.

On Saturday, February 25, 2012, I took a pregnancy test and it was POSITIVE!! Lucas & I were having a baby!!!!! I didn't tell Lucas I was taking the test prior to taking it; I came out of the bathroom into the bedroom with a huge smile on my face and I told him the news. The look he gave me was one of those once in a lifetime looks. It was pure happiness mixed with nervousness mixed with pride and excitement. It was a similar face to that of which I seen only on our first date, when I said yes to his ring and then agreed to be his wife on our wedding day.

We promised each other to not tell anyone until we went to the doctor.
We were both DYING to share the news with the ones we love. That following Monday, I called the doctor and set up an appt. By the middle of that week, Lucas had called me at work and asked if we could tell people - he really wanted to tell his sister and everyone else (and, I too wanted to shout it from the rooftops). :) So, we shared the news with our family and close friends.

We picked our OBGYN and went to our first appointment. WE WERE HAVING A BABY & we couldn't have been more excited!!! :)

But then March 17, 2012 came & I was bleeding. I called the doctor on call and he tried to calm me, tell me there is a possibility it is nothing, but it could be a miscarriage. Since it was early on in the pregnancy, there would be nothing that could be done to save the baby if it was a miscarriage, so I should relax for the weekend, call back if I was having any pain or increased bleeding and make an appointment to see him next week. He told me if it was a miscarriage, it was God's way (and your body's way)of taking care of something that wasn't quite ready yet. So I waited. All weekend. Worrying. That poor, sweet baby. Poor me. I wanted that baby. Poor Lucas. We wanted that baby. So, so much.

On Monday, March 19 I went in for an ultra sound and blood test and it was determined that I lost the baby. I had a miscarriage. But that wasn't all. As I laid in the Ultra Sound room with my mom at my side - as Lucas wanted to be there but he was out of town for work and the appt was made the very same day I called... I knew something more was wrong. I could sense it. The tech kept looking and looking and looking and taking pictures on the screen. And then she had to get the Radiologist. In my head I was thinking cancer. To me, that's the worst, the scariest. And I didn't know what else it could be. I remember telling my mom that if it was just one thing - (just) the miscarriage, I could handle that. But I couldn't handle that something else was wrong with me too. I was devastated. I was scared. And helpless.

It turns out I had two BENIGN cysts - one on each ovary - both, the size of large grapefruits and they could be removed with a relatively simple laparoscopic surgery. If they were not removed, the cysts could potentially cut off the blood supply to my ovaries and I would be unable to have children.

Typically, I'm a glass-half-full-girl - I believe in God and have always believed that everything happens for a reason even if we fail to see the reason in that moment. He has never let me down. So, that bing said, I was still heartbroken about the miscarriage but we were relieved that we learned of the cysts in time to do something about them.

Heartbroken. Still. Even though I am "glass-half-full" I struggled with the miscarriage. A lot. I still struggle. I still cry. I still think what if? When people first found out about the miscarriage, some would comment, well, you weren't really that far long anyway. This hurt. I know they probably didn't mean it this way but I couldn't help but thinking that because I wasn't beyond the first trimester they had wrote the pregnancy off all together. That it never mattered anyway because it did happen so early on. It mattered to me. I was pregnant. I took two pee tests and a blood test to verify. I had a baby growing inside of me that had the potential to be whatever he/she wanted to be and it didn't make it. Whether I was 6 weeks or 6 months, I was still pregnant. As one friend described it well, pregnancy isn't a "kind of" or a "little bit" kind of thing; you either are or your not. And I was. And I lost it.

But this feeling too shall pass. As I said before, I'm a firm believer that everything does happen for a reason and I'm looking forward to what the future has in store.

Move #3

In the middle of December, Lucas & I moved for a third time. We moved just down the road, literally, about a mile. A family friend had built a new house, leaving their old house vacant & they were looking for renters.
The house is bigger than what we needed but the location is great and the rent is more than reasonable.
It's a nice house, the first house, Lucas & I have both felt like we were at "home." Lucas. Max. And me.
We enjoyed decorating for Christmas and finally unpacking and USING all the wonderful gifts we got for our wedding six months prior. The house came with most appliances, we only had to purchase a microwave & refrigerator. We also decided it was time to purchase our own furniture.

2011 Christmas Surprise

Each year, we have a small Christmas celebration at my mom and dads. Just mom, dad, their three kids, significant others and nana and papa.
This year, we were missing papa. So much. But, when I opened our Christmas card from Holly and Gary, I knew papa was there and he was happier than ever. The Christmas card announced the coming of my niece or nephew! My big sister was expecting her first child! I couldn't have been happier - it brought tears to my eyes. Later that night, I had texted holly & told her how happy Papa would have been & how excited I was - I was going to be an auntie!! :)

Surrounded by Love...

I often think about the last time Papa spoke of me. It was a day or two before he passed. I had just gotten home from work and went into the bedroom to see him. There were already a few people in there and they had told him that I had just gotten home and his response was "oh, she's good." Ever since that day, I've tried more than ever to live up to that. He meant the world to me. And will forever have an impression on my heart and all I do.

On November 30, 2011 Papa left this Earth to go somewhere far better. Somewhere he would be pain free. He went peacefully with most of his family surrounding him at his home. He was surrounded by love.
I was laying in the bed next to him, holding his hand as he took his last breath.

Unfortunate News...

My Papa has always held a very special place in my heart. Growing up I saw him nearly every day. Nana & Papa lived right up the field from us - the farm my parents own was Nana & Papa's. And before that, it was Papa's parents.
Papa always helped on the farm for as long as I can remember. And my mom & dad and us kids helped Nana and Papa often.
I spent many summers mowing their lawn, picking weeds, cleaning house, washing windows & doing anything else to help. We would spend HOT summer nights in their cool basement as they had AC and we did not. We would go up there about one night a week and the adults would play cards and us kids would watch movies or TV and eat popcorn.
One summer, Papa had a stroke & we found out he had diabetes. The Dr's told him he would probably never be able to do farm work again or drive tractor. The whole family rallied around him and encouraged him and he was far from giving up. He proved them wrong and did both those things. That summer I spent the majority of my time at their house. He was unable to drive his blue truck during recovery of the stroke so I was the illegal "truck driver." I would drive up each day through the field and help with whatever they needed help with.
For many of the reasons illustrated above, when Lucas & I moved in with Nana & Papa it was not a big deal to me - I was extremely grateful. When i would tell people, some would cringe as if it was the most uncomfortable thing, etc. it wasn't. It was the opposite. It had always been my second home & now was more important than ever that we were there.
At the end of August 2011, Papa was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer and he was given 3 - 6 months to live. We were devastated. & we were reminded to live each day to the fullest - Papa would never let us forget that.
The following pictures are some ways he lived life to his fullest...

Our Wedding

Lucas & I were married on June 11, 2011. The pictures tell a good story. :) All photos courtesy of Kate Botwinski Photography.

Move #2

At some point in the early spring of 2011, a bank took over ownership of the duplex we were renting. Several months went by where there were no changes. We continued paying rent, obviously, just wrote the check out to someone else. We had several interested buyers come through and view the duplex. It wasn't until May that we received a phone call saying they have an accepted offer and though our lease was good through September 2011, the gentleman purchasing the property would really like for us to be out by June.
Perfect. Timing. Not. :(
So, as if we didn't have enough stress at the time, with our wedding right around the corner (6.11.11) we decided to move. But where? We had looked around and didn't really find anything. We didn't want to make a rash decision because we were in a hurry. We weren't in a position to buy what we wanted yet. So, we moved in to Nana & Papa's basement. With a lot of help from our family, we packed everything up and made the move over Memorial Day Weekend. At that time, the plan was for this to be rather temporary. We stayed there from The end of May to mid December. As always, it turned out God had a special plan in us being there. Those six and a half months were very special times spent with Nana and Papa.
It turns out that if you are surrounded by love, you have everything you'll ever need... And the best is yet to come...