Blessings in Disguise

If you know me at all - you know I've always wanted to have children - several children. Next to being a wife, being a mom has been the first and foremost thing I've wanted for as long as I can remember. Growing up, my mom babysat & I had TONS of cousins so I was always around children. As soon as I was old enough to babysit-that's how I spent my summers and weekends and I never really stopped until I started my career.

As I went through high school, and even college, my career direction changed a few times but my desire to be a mother never wavered and always went above anything else.
Fortunate enough for me, I met my Prince Charming who also loved kids - that was one of the most attractive things about Lucas when I met him - watching him interact with his niece. When we were dating, we both talked openly about our desire to be parents and what we would want for our children. We talked about what kind of parents we wanted to be, what we wanted to do with our children, what we hoped our children would be interested in and even talked about what we might want to name them.

On Saturday, February 25, 2012, I took a pregnancy test and it was POSITIVE!! Lucas & I were having a baby!!!!! I didn't tell Lucas I was taking the test prior to taking it; I came out of the bathroom into the bedroom with a huge smile on my face and I told him the news. The look he gave me was one of those once in a lifetime looks. It was pure happiness mixed with nervousness mixed with pride and excitement. It was a similar face to that of which I seen only on our first date, when I said yes to his ring and then agreed to be his wife on our wedding day.

We promised each other to not tell anyone until we went to the doctor.
We were both DYING to share the news with the ones we love. That following Monday, I called the doctor and set up an appt. By the middle of that week, Lucas had called me at work and asked if we could tell people - he really wanted to tell his sister and everyone else (and, I too wanted to shout it from the rooftops). :) So, we shared the news with our family and close friends.

We picked our OBGYN and went to our first appointment. WE WERE HAVING A BABY & we couldn't have been more excited!!! :)

But then March 17, 2012 came & I was bleeding. I called the doctor on call and he tried to calm me, tell me there is a possibility it is nothing, but it could be a miscarriage. Since it was early on in the pregnancy, there would be nothing that could be done to save the baby if it was a miscarriage, so I should relax for the weekend, call back if I was having any pain or increased bleeding and make an appointment to see him next week. He told me if it was a miscarriage, it was God's way (and your body's way)of taking care of something that wasn't quite ready yet. So I waited. All weekend. Worrying. That poor, sweet baby. Poor me. I wanted that baby. Poor Lucas. We wanted that baby. So, so much.

On Monday, March 19 I went in for an ultra sound and blood test and it was determined that I lost the baby. I had a miscarriage. But that wasn't all. As I laid in the Ultra Sound room with my mom at my side - as Lucas wanted to be there but he was out of town for work and the appt was made the very same day I called... I knew something more was wrong. I could sense it. The tech kept looking and looking and looking and taking pictures on the screen. And then she had to get the Radiologist. In my head I was thinking cancer. To me, that's the worst, the scariest. And I didn't know what else it could be. I remember telling my mom that if it was just one thing - (just) the miscarriage, I could handle that. But I couldn't handle that something else was wrong with me too. I was devastated. I was scared. And helpless.

It turns out I had two BENIGN cysts - one on each ovary - both, the size of large grapefruits and they could be removed with a relatively simple laparoscopic surgery. If they were not removed, the cysts could potentially cut off the blood supply to my ovaries and I would be unable to have children.

Typically, I'm a glass-half-full-girl - I believe in God and have always believed that everything happens for a reason even if we fail to see the reason in that moment. He has never let me down. So, that bing said, I was still heartbroken about the miscarriage but we were relieved that we learned of the cysts in time to do something about them.

Heartbroken. Still. Even though I am "glass-half-full" I struggled with the miscarriage. A lot. I still struggle. I still cry. I still think what if? When people first found out about the miscarriage, some would comment, well, you weren't really that far long anyway. This hurt. I know they probably didn't mean it this way but I couldn't help but thinking that because I wasn't beyond the first trimester they had wrote the pregnancy off all together. That it never mattered anyway because it did happen so early on. It mattered to me. I was pregnant. I took two pee tests and a blood test to verify. I had a baby growing inside of me that had the potential to be whatever he/she wanted to be and it didn't make it. Whether I was 6 weeks or 6 months, I was still pregnant. As one friend described it well, pregnancy isn't a "kind of" or a "little bit" kind of thing; you either are or your not. And I was. And I lost it.

But this feeling too shall pass. As I said before, I'm a firm believer that everything does happen for a reason and I'm looking forward to what the future has in store.