I'm the youngest of three kids: Jake is two years older than me & Holly is four. Growing up, I remember trying to do just about anything to please both of them - always wanting their approval and taking to heart what they said and did. I've always admired & looked up to both of them. Now, don't get me wrong - we had our battles - but, I think for the most part we got along fairly well.
I remember...
When I was much younger & my sister wasn't home, I would sneak into her room and sometimes just sit on her bed and look around, try out her makeup, admire her nail polish or snoop through her things. I always had to remember precisely where things were or she would catch me - she knew the placement of just about every belonging of hers within inches. :) I remember going through notebooks of hers and admiring her hand writing and then going back to my room and trying to write like her.
Being the little sister, there were many times I followed in my big sister's footsteps:
I remember...
When I applied for my first job @ Piggly Wiggly, I didn't really even have an interview - I remember Bill saying that he hired Holly & she was great, so he had no reason to believe I wouldn't be. Because of her good reputation, I was automatically offered a position.
I remember...
When Holly went to college... Her first day of college was my first day of High School. From my memory, she called home often and we passed the phone around, each of us taking a turn talking to her. I remember her being homesick - which surprised me, because I thought she was happy to get away. I remember her being a little more daring than I - she had decided to get a tattoo and kept it a secret from my parents (big deal, huh?). :) I remember her sending snail mail home and writing me my own personal cards/letters. Those meant a lot to me. It seemed we grew closer together while our distance was further apart.
As Holly was leaving Eau Claire with her degree in Health Care Administration, I was starting my freshman year in Eau Claire (again following in her foot steps) with the intention of majoring in Nursing. I remember when those plans needed to change and she was my first phone call. I needed her advice. I wasn't sure where my future was headed and I didn't want to disappoint anyone. She listened and offered advice, answered questions and helped me feel at ease with the new direction - I would again follow in her footsteps and change my major to Health Care Administration.
Holly has always been much more organized than me & probably more intelligent. When I didn't pass one of licensing exams for my Nursing Home Administrator's license and had to retake the exam, she took the day off and rode down to Madison with me, lessening the stress and reassuring me that I got this. I passed. And she was there to congratulate me as I walked out of the building.
When I got engaged, I knew Holly would be my Matron of Honor. I also knew I could count on her for the decorations - I wouldn't really have to say or do much, she would plan it all out and it would be perfect and I would love it. And it was.
One thing I didn't necessarily follow in her footsteps with was children. I loved children; everything about them. And I've always wanted a bunch. Not to say Holly didn't like children or didn't want any, but she definitely did not have her sights set on four! :) When Holly & Gary shared they were pregnant I was so excited! Lucas & I had been trying for about a month prior to finding out their news and in February we found out we were pregnant too! Lucas & I were so excited and had a hard time keeping it a secret - so it didn't stay a secret for long. I was also excited to share the experience with my sister. When we had the miscarriage, Holly was there for me. She was there for me if I needed a distraction for a blood draw, or a shoulder to cry on or someone to just sit with me.
To be honest, I was a little nervous for Baby Stankowski to arrive. I knew I would love this baby, but I was also nervous of how it would make me feel about my own situation. I didn't want to be resentful or jealous, even though what happened was no fault of anyone - not Holly, not Gary, not Baby S. I'm happy to report that I don't have any of those feelings. I love Ella more than I ever thought was possible. She is perfect to me. And Holly is a perfect mother to her. And Gary a perfect father. I'm extremely grateful to them for letting me love her up so much, for making me feel welcome into their home any time. I've never left feeling I was a burden. I appreciate all the text messages and the pictures and the face time calls with Ella.
Then the accident happened. I hated to be the one to tell Holly. And I hated that I didn't have more information for her. I couldn't imagine being in her shoes. I prayed almost nonstop from the time I found out until the time I got home from the hospital that night. I praised God that Gary was okay. It was a miracle, really, that he walked away with what he did. But I also prayed for Holly and Ella and Gary and their new life, as it will never really return to quite the same. I admire my sister so much for how strong she is, especially through all of that. She has always supported me through tough times and any support I am able to give to them is my way of giving back to her for the many examples she has set.
Holly: Big Sister: Big Role Model
Love you!
Sunday, November 4, 2012
Saturday, November 3, 2012
Ella Mae
My favorite story to tell so I can start blogging real time...
This is Ella Mae Stankowski. She is my beautiful niece. She was born on August 15, 2012 and everything about her is perfect.
She is such a blessing to me. I am beyond grateful for her and my sister and brother-in-law. They let me stop by any time and love up their sweet baby girl. Ella has Auntie wrapped around her finger. :)
This is Ella Mae Stankowski. She is my beautiful niece. She was born on August 15, 2012 and everything about her is perfect.
She is such a blessing to me. I am beyond grateful for her and my sister and brother-in-law. They let me stop by any time and love up their sweet baby girl. Ella has Auntie wrapped around her finger. :)
Blessings in Disguise
If you know me at all - you know I've always wanted to have children - several children. Next to being a wife, being a mom has been the first and foremost thing I've wanted for as long as I can remember. Growing up, my mom babysat & I had TONS of cousins so I was always around children. As soon as I was old enough to babysit-that's how I spent my summers and weekends and I never really stopped until I started my career.
As I went through high school, and even college, my career direction changed a few times but my desire to be a mother never wavered and always went above anything else.
Fortunate enough for me, I met my Prince Charming who also loved kids - that was one of the most attractive things about Lucas when I met him - watching him interact with his niece. When we were dating, we both talked openly about our desire to be parents and what we would want for our children. We talked about what kind of parents we wanted to be, what we wanted to do with our children, what we hoped our children would be interested in and even talked about what we might want to name them.
On Saturday, February 25, 2012, I took a pregnancy test and it was POSITIVE!! Lucas & I were having a baby!!!!! I didn't tell Lucas I was taking the test prior to taking it; I came out of the bathroom into the bedroom with a huge smile on my face and I told him the news. The look he gave me was one of those once in a lifetime looks. It was pure happiness mixed with nervousness mixed with pride and excitement. It was a similar face to that of which I seen only on our first date, when I said yes to his ring and then agreed to be his wife on our wedding day.
We promised each other to not tell anyone until we went to the doctor.
We were both DYING to share the news with the ones we love. That following Monday, I called the doctor and set up an appt. By the middle of that week, Lucas had called me at work and asked if we could tell people - he really wanted to tell his sister and everyone else (and, I too wanted to shout it from the rooftops). :) So, we shared the news with our family and close friends.
We picked our OBGYN and went to our first appointment. WE WERE HAVING A BABY & we couldn't have been more excited!!! :)
But then March 17, 2012 came & I was bleeding. I called the doctor on call and he tried to calm me, tell me there is a possibility it is nothing, but it could be a miscarriage. Since it was early on in the pregnancy, there would be nothing that could be done to save the baby if it was a miscarriage, so I should relax for the weekend, call back if I was having any pain or increased bleeding and make an appointment to see him next week. He told me if it was a miscarriage, it was God's way (and your body's way)of taking care of something that wasn't quite ready yet. So I waited. All weekend. Worrying. That poor, sweet baby. Poor me. I wanted that baby. Poor Lucas. We wanted that baby. So, so much.
On Monday, March 19 I went in for an ultra sound and blood test and it was determined that I lost the baby. I had a miscarriage. But that wasn't all. As I laid in the Ultra Sound room with my mom at my side - as Lucas wanted to be there but he was out of town for work and the appt was made the very same day I called... I knew something more was wrong. I could sense it. The tech kept looking and looking and looking and taking pictures on the screen. And then she had to get the Radiologist. In my head I was thinking cancer. To me, that's the worst, the scariest. And I didn't know what else it could be. I remember telling my mom that if it was just one thing - (just) the miscarriage, I could handle that. But I couldn't handle that something else was wrong with me too. I was devastated. I was scared. And helpless.
It turns out I had two BENIGN cysts - one on each ovary - both, the size of large grapefruits and they could be removed with a relatively simple laparoscopic surgery. If they were not removed, the cysts could potentially cut off the blood supply to my ovaries and I would be unable to have children.
Typically, I'm a glass-half-full-girl - I believe in God and have always believed that everything happens for a reason even if we fail to see the reason in that moment. He has never let me down. So, that bing said, I was still heartbroken about the miscarriage but we were relieved that we learned of the cysts in time to do something about them.
Heartbroken. Still. Even though I am "glass-half-full" I struggled with the miscarriage. A lot. I still struggle. I still cry. I still think what if? When people first found out about the miscarriage, some would comment, well, you weren't really that far long anyway. This hurt. I know they probably didn't mean it this way but I couldn't help but thinking that because I wasn't beyond the first trimester they had wrote the pregnancy off all together. That it never mattered anyway because it did happen so early on. It mattered to me. I was pregnant. I took two pee tests and a blood test to verify. I had a baby growing inside of me that had the potential to be whatever he/she wanted to be and it didn't make it. Whether I was 6 weeks or 6 months, I was still pregnant. As one friend described it well, pregnancy isn't a "kind of" or a "little bit" kind of thing; you either are or your not. And I was. And I lost it.
But this feeling too shall pass. As I said before, I'm a firm believer that everything does happen for a reason and I'm looking forward to what the future has in store.
As I went through high school, and even college, my career direction changed a few times but my desire to be a mother never wavered and always went above anything else.
Fortunate enough for me, I met my Prince Charming who also loved kids - that was one of the most attractive things about Lucas when I met him - watching him interact with his niece. When we were dating, we both talked openly about our desire to be parents and what we would want for our children. We talked about what kind of parents we wanted to be, what we wanted to do with our children, what we hoped our children would be interested in and even talked about what we might want to name them.
On Saturday, February 25, 2012, I took a pregnancy test and it was POSITIVE!! Lucas & I were having a baby!!!!! I didn't tell Lucas I was taking the test prior to taking it; I came out of the bathroom into the bedroom with a huge smile on my face and I told him the news. The look he gave me was one of those once in a lifetime looks. It was pure happiness mixed with nervousness mixed with pride and excitement. It was a similar face to that of which I seen only on our first date, when I said yes to his ring and then agreed to be his wife on our wedding day.
We promised each other to not tell anyone until we went to the doctor.
We were both DYING to share the news with the ones we love. That following Monday, I called the doctor and set up an appt. By the middle of that week, Lucas had called me at work and asked if we could tell people - he really wanted to tell his sister and everyone else (and, I too wanted to shout it from the rooftops). :) So, we shared the news with our family and close friends.
We picked our OBGYN and went to our first appointment. WE WERE HAVING A BABY & we couldn't have been more excited!!! :)
But then March 17, 2012 came & I was bleeding. I called the doctor on call and he tried to calm me, tell me there is a possibility it is nothing, but it could be a miscarriage. Since it was early on in the pregnancy, there would be nothing that could be done to save the baby if it was a miscarriage, so I should relax for the weekend, call back if I was having any pain or increased bleeding and make an appointment to see him next week. He told me if it was a miscarriage, it was God's way (and your body's way)of taking care of something that wasn't quite ready yet. So I waited. All weekend. Worrying. That poor, sweet baby. Poor me. I wanted that baby. Poor Lucas. We wanted that baby. So, so much.
On Monday, March 19 I went in for an ultra sound and blood test and it was determined that I lost the baby. I had a miscarriage. But that wasn't all. As I laid in the Ultra Sound room with my mom at my side - as Lucas wanted to be there but he was out of town for work and the appt was made the very same day I called... I knew something more was wrong. I could sense it. The tech kept looking and looking and looking and taking pictures on the screen. And then she had to get the Radiologist. In my head I was thinking cancer. To me, that's the worst, the scariest. And I didn't know what else it could be. I remember telling my mom that if it was just one thing - (just) the miscarriage, I could handle that. But I couldn't handle that something else was wrong with me too. I was devastated. I was scared. And helpless.
It turns out I had two BENIGN cysts - one on each ovary - both, the size of large grapefruits and they could be removed with a relatively simple laparoscopic surgery. If they were not removed, the cysts could potentially cut off the blood supply to my ovaries and I would be unable to have children.
Typically, I'm a glass-half-full-girl - I believe in God and have always believed that everything happens for a reason even if we fail to see the reason in that moment. He has never let me down. So, that bing said, I was still heartbroken about the miscarriage but we were relieved that we learned of the cysts in time to do something about them.
Heartbroken. Still. Even though I am "glass-half-full" I struggled with the miscarriage. A lot. I still struggle. I still cry. I still think what if? When people first found out about the miscarriage, some would comment, well, you weren't really that far long anyway. This hurt. I know they probably didn't mean it this way but I couldn't help but thinking that because I wasn't beyond the first trimester they had wrote the pregnancy off all together. That it never mattered anyway because it did happen so early on. It mattered to me. I was pregnant. I took two pee tests and a blood test to verify. I had a baby growing inside of me that had the potential to be whatever he/she wanted to be and it didn't make it. Whether I was 6 weeks or 6 months, I was still pregnant. As one friend described it well, pregnancy isn't a "kind of" or a "little bit" kind of thing; you either are or your not. And I was. And I lost it.
But this feeling too shall pass. As I said before, I'm a firm believer that everything does happen for a reason and I'm looking forward to what the future has in store.
Move #3
In the middle of December, Lucas & I moved for a third time. We moved just down the road, literally, about a mile. A family friend had built a new house, leaving their old house vacant & they were looking for renters.
The house is bigger than what we needed but the location is great and the rent is more than reasonable.
It's a nice house, the first house, Lucas & I have both felt like we were at "home." Lucas. Max. And me.
We enjoyed decorating for Christmas and finally unpacking and USING all the wonderful gifts we got for our wedding six months prior. The house came with most appliances, we only had to purchase a microwave & refrigerator. We also decided it was time to purchase our own furniture.
The house is bigger than what we needed but the location is great and the rent is more than reasonable.
It's a nice house, the first house, Lucas & I have both felt like we were at "home." Lucas. Max. And me.
We enjoyed decorating for Christmas and finally unpacking and USING all the wonderful gifts we got for our wedding six months prior. The house came with most appliances, we only had to purchase a microwave & refrigerator. We also decided it was time to purchase our own furniture.
2011 Christmas Surprise
Each year, we have a small Christmas celebration at my mom and dads. Just mom, dad, their three kids, significant others and nana and papa.
This year, we were missing papa. So much. But, when I opened our Christmas card from Holly and Gary, I knew papa was there and he was happier than ever. The Christmas card announced the coming of my niece or nephew! My big sister was expecting her first child! I couldn't have been happier - it brought tears to my eyes. Later that night, I had texted holly & told her how happy Papa would have been & how excited I was - I was going to be an auntie!! :)
This year, we were missing papa. So much. But, when I opened our Christmas card from Holly and Gary, I knew papa was there and he was happier than ever. The Christmas card announced the coming of my niece or nephew! My big sister was expecting her first child! I couldn't have been happier - it brought tears to my eyes. Later that night, I had texted holly & told her how happy Papa would have been & how excited I was - I was going to be an auntie!! :)
Surrounded by Love...
I often think about the last time Papa spoke of me. It was a day or two before he passed. I had just gotten home from work and went into the bedroom to see him. There were already a few people in there and they had told him that I had just gotten home and his response was "oh, she's good." Ever since that day, I've tried more than ever to live up to that. He meant the world to me. And will forever have an impression on my heart and all I do.
On November 30, 2011 Papa left this Earth to go somewhere far better. Somewhere he would be pain free. He went peacefully with most of his family surrounding him at his home. He was surrounded by love.
I was laying in the bed next to him, holding his hand as he took his last breath.
On November 30, 2011 Papa left this Earth to go somewhere far better. Somewhere he would be pain free. He went peacefully with most of his family surrounding him at his home. He was surrounded by love.
I was laying in the bed next to him, holding his hand as he took his last breath.
Unfortunate News...
My Papa has always held a very special place in my heart. Growing up I saw him nearly every day. Nana & Papa lived right up the field from us - the farm my parents own was Nana & Papa's. And before that, it was Papa's parents.
Papa always helped on the farm for as long as I can remember. And my mom & dad and us kids helped Nana and Papa often.
I spent many summers mowing their lawn, picking weeds, cleaning house, washing windows & doing anything else to help. We would spend HOT summer nights in their cool basement as they had AC and we did not. We would go up there about one night a week and the adults would play cards and us kids would watch movies or TV and eat popcorn.
One summer, Papa had a stroke & we found out he had diabetes. The Dr's told him he would probably never be able to do farm work again or drive tractor. The whole family rallied around him and encouraged him and he was far from giving up. He proved them wrong and did both those things. That summer I spent the majority of my time at their house. He was unable to drive his blue truck during recovery of the stroke so I was the illegal "truck driver." I would drive up each day through the field and help with whatever they needed help with.
For many of the reasons illustrated above, when Lucas & I moved in with Nana & Papa it was not a big deal to me - I was extremely grateful. When i would tell people, some would cringe as if it was the most uncomfortable thing, etc. it wasn't. It was the opposite. It had always been my second home & now was more important than ever that we were there.
At the end of August 2011, Papa was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer and he was given 3 - 6 months to live. We were devastated. & we were reminded to live each day to the fullest - Papa would never let us forget that.
The following pictures are some ways he lived life to his fullest...
Papa always helped on the farm for as long as I can remember. And my mom & dad and us kids helped Nana and Papa often.
I spent many summers mowing their lawn, picking weeds, cleaning house, washing windows & doing anything else to help. We would spend HOT summer nights in their cool basement as they had AC and we did not. We would go up there about one night a week and the adults would play cards and us kids would watch movies or TV and eat popcorn.
One summer, Papa had a stroke & we found out he had diabetes. The Dr's told him he would probably never be able to do farm work again or drive tractor. The whole family rallied around him and encouraged him and he was far from giving up. He proved them wrong and did both those things. That summer I spent the majority of my time at their house. He was unable to drive his blue truck during recovery of the stroke so I was the illegal "truck driver." I would drive up each day through the field and help with whatever they needed help with.
For many of the reasons illustrated above, when Lucas & I moved in with Nana & Papa it was not a big deal to me - I was extremely grateful. When i would tell people, some would cringe as if it was the most uncomfortable thing, etc. it wasn't. It was the opposite. It had always been my second home & now was more important than ever that we were there.
At the end of August 2011, Papa was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer and he was given 3 - 6 months to live. We were devastated. & we were reminded to live each day to the fullest - Papa would never let us forget that.
The following pictures are some ways he lived life to his fullest...
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